Stupid Boys, I'm Going Gay T_T

As I've said, Derek deosn't like me anymore. He likes one of my best freinds Rebecca, who is also best freinds with him, but likes him too. Just great. She was scared I would be mad at her, but of course I never would. She took it extremely well when she figured out he liked me. She put on a happy face for me, and I couldn't ask for anything more. Of course I barely ever talked about him when she was around because I wasn't sure how much it would hurt. And now that I'm in her shoes, and it hurts so freaking much. It deosn't help when he's all she talks about either. Then she has to add in snide little remarks. Like last night she called me, and this is a bit of our conversation. I remember it clearly, because it was like a stab in the heart to me:

Rebecca: And so this time instead of me saying I love you first, he said it. He said it to ME first Shea. And it was so amazing. He never said I love you to you, did he Shea?

Shea: No, but that's because I wasn't best friends with him, and we were to shy to talk to eachother.

Rebecca: Well he says it to me all the time, but this time he said it first!

Shea:...Umm.ok. That's cool.

Rebecca: Don't be jealous, Shea.

Shea: I'm not. And I have to go now. -click-

So yeah I hung up on her because she went a little far on that one. No they're not going out, they're just really good friends right now. I'm afraid they won't be just friends for very long though. And now I am mad at someone. Myself. I'm mad at myself for just sitting there and not doing anything about Derek and I. But I had my reasons. I would have absolutely had to come to Cassie first and asked her, since she's my freind, and Derek is her ex. But Derek didn't want anyone else knowing. So I couldn't. And there was also Rebecca, I didn't want to hurt her.

But apparently Rebecca had told Cassie the whole story early on, but never told me she knew. Because she had known that I would have come straight to Cassie and asked her, and Derek and I could have lived happily ever after. But I mean, I guess I don't blame Rebecca, it's a tough position to be in. But I would never have said things like that to Rebecca like she did last night, she just doesn't know when to stop, I don't know if she knew what she was doing...but it hurt. Alot.

I don't know how to tell her to stop talking about him. Because to be honest, I would just like to forget about him. But then she'd just take that as me being mad, or jealous. Which I am jealous, but she deosn't need to know that, because she would take things WAY over the top because she's a drama queen. And she would probably tell Derek too, which I definetly do not want. Sad thing is, I'm still head over heels for him. And I don't know how to cope, because I never want to see his face again for as long as I live. Not because I'm mad. Just really sad. I'm scared that I'll break down and cry or something. I know they'll be other guys. Tons of them. But right now all I want is him.

So I'm not going to confirmation tonight, one because I got in trouble and my mom refuses to drive me. Two, because I didn't fight back about that decision either, or maybe I could have gone. I would rather not go, though. I would probably be neglected since I'm almost positive Rebecca would be by Derek's side all night. And if she did acknowledge my existence, she would most likely just talk about how flirty they are with eachother, and all that fun stuff. And I mostly don't want to go there because I don't want to see him. I'm scared. I'm such a coward. But not to be a drama queen myself, the thought of him makes me want to cry. I can't be sure how I'll react to him face to face.

So as you can see I'm not coping very well right now.